Evil Grandmother Fantasies

First published in the 6/26/17

Evil Grandmother Fantasies
by Carol-Ane Woodard 5/23/17

There she stands, slightly plump, and oozing cookie dough. She always volunteers to take the grandchildren; she never comments on their clothes or appearance; and at the end of the day, she assures you that the little darlings all behaved just wonderfully. She’s the picture perfect grandmother, and she always knows just the right thing to say.

But…do you ever wonder what she’s really thinking?

“Love those baby curls…”
I’m going to duct tape them to a chair and send them home with buzz cuts.

“He was a little fussy after his nap, just a little napper shock.”
The next time that kid whines, I’m going to tell him to shut up and grow a pair.

“Of course I won’t let him use the iPad.”
You’re with grandma now, you can have all the screen time you want. it will just be our little secret…

“Oh, we’ll go on a fun adventure together…”
Have you ever been on an ice cream parlor crawl? We’ll get a different flavor at each place. After all, it’s my job to teach you this stuff.

“Don’t worry. I’ll feed him breakfast.”
Donuts are an excellent breakfast food. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.

“You guys are so busy. You don’t need to pick up before I babysit. My house looked way worse than that when you were young.”
While those brats are napping, I’m going to crush and burn every single puzzle piece. Then I’ll melt all the legos on the stove. I’ll never step on a lego again.

“I promise, no screen time. He’s with grandma. We’ll play games and read stories all day.”
Of course you can play with my cellphone …

“I won’t get them anything you don’t approve of.”
Really, what’s wrong with toy guns? What’s wrong with this generation?!

“Of course, I always put sun-screen on them.”
Darlings, I solemnly promise, I will never, ever, make you use sunscreen…Vitamin D is good for you…grandma knows best.

“It’s wonderful how safe car-seats are today…”
I hate carseats. Back in my day, there weren’t even seat-belts. We only lost one, once, when an older kid opened the car door. We turned around, he bounced, and everything was fine.

“No, they know they have to follow rules, even at Grandma’s…”
Of course, you can jump on the couch. What are couches for anyway?

“You always send them here so clean and well-dressed…”
Kids…Dirt is excellent for the complexion. If Mommy wanted your clothes to stay clean, she shouldn’t have sent you to Grandma’s. Wait. On second thought… lets just do underwear day…

“Oh. They’re never any trouble. And they love being at Grandma’s. Right kids?”
All right guys, lets get the tollhouse cookie dough out of the freezer and work on our cover stories.

After all, what happens at Grandma’s stays at Grandma’s.

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